I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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