I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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