My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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