i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
