I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
