Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
