I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I AM VODKA MAN
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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