A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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