I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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