So drunk its hurt
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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