I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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