I'm really into asian looking animals
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
