Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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