I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
