I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
