you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
