I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
