drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
