This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
