I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
