3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
