So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
