I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize