just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
