Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors