I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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