Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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