and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
