I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
