Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
