'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
