Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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