made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
