Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
