I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
