Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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