you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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