Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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