i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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