So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
