it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
