We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
