So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
