fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
