dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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