Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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