I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
