nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
