okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
