I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
a search helicopter?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
