I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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