just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
