Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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