That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
