Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize