my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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