two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't turn off my feet"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
