the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
