someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
