I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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