if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My vagina is officially offended.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
