did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
