I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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