I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
